In this class you always get a Do-over...

I have lots of people asking me about my belly dancing and wondering if I am going to blog about it again.   So here goes.  After completing the 6 week beginner course, Anne and I decided that we weren't ready to move on to the next level, so we signed up for the full 10 week beginner course.

It's amazing how different people change the dynamics of a group.  Our new classmates created such a fun and light-hearted atmosphere in class that was so refreshing. It made every week enjoyable and when one girl wasn't there, it was noticeable and she was missed.  I felt less serious and more relaxed during this ten weeks.  I was still focused on doing my very best and learning the moves so I look graceful and beautiful.

Our instructor has a rule: You always get a do-over.  Anne and I started our do-over of beginner level I at the start  of the new year.  I was determined to make 2011 about a million times better than 2010 (which wouldn't take much, honestly, considering the absolute $#!* year it was).  I slowly gained confidence over that period of 10 weeks and began to feel comfortable in my skin.  The moves aren't perfect but I am committed to being a continuous work in progress.

We continued to improve and felt comfortable enough to move onto beginner level II.  We started the new class at the beginning of April. I am enjoying myself a great deal and continue to try to get the moves right.  I know that it's not about perfection; it's about having fun and learning to love your body as it is. So, I have the first part pretty much down but still struggle with that dratted acceptance of self.  As hard as I try, I know that I won't feel at peace with my body until I've lost weight and feel healthier.  I don't hate my body, but I'm not happy with it either.  I don't feel sexy or attractive while dancing.  I know that how I feel is reflected on the outside and that confidence is one of the most attractive features a person can possess.  I wish I could say that belly dancing has given me back my confidence and that I am fully accepting of me as I am. But this is far from the truth.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am a work in progress and I'll get there eventually.  I tend to do everything the hard way which inevitably also means I take the scenic route to any destination.  I have a great deal of respect for women who are able to love their bodies at heavier weights; I wish I knew their secret. I suppose there are people who would say that I need to embrace who I am the way that I am. Except that it's not that easy, at least for me. I also suppose if you told me that I would stay the way I am forever that I would find a way to accept and love the shell. But the fact is that I can get in shape and be healthy. And it is also a fact that I expect myself  to be the very best I can be (aka perfectionism... Wait... Is that a word?).  Don't get me wrong, I like that I have curves and I never want to get rid of them. I just want to feel curvier and less... "thick." Ugh... I feel like I'm pointlessly rambling...

So here's the skinny (hardy-har-har): I love belly dancing for the social aspect and learning something new. While I don't go out to clubs, I do enjoy dancing around the house and working in some belly dance (my favourites being the hip rotation and figure eights). I have gained some confidence but I know that one class isn't going to be life altering to the extent where I walk away a completely new person. I do believe that it's a step in my journey.

As a side note, we are learning how to use veil in our dancing.  It's so beautiful having  fabric float and dance with you. And if we get caught or struggle, there's always the do-over.  :-)

Thoughts... Part 1

He was supposed to be my forever love, my happily ever after, the Noah to my Allie.  It was supposed to be a great love story of the ages that would go on through several future generations of our family.  It was supposed to be all these wonderful things.  How could it not be?  After all, if it wasn't meant to be, why would we have been brought together again six years later after first meeting (at a time when we couldn't be together)?  Although this sounds like the stuff of chick flicks and romance novels, all unrealistic and dreamer-like, I do know that a lot of hard work goes into creating successful relationships.  I'm not a quitter, running away at the first sign of trouble (despite early examples to the contrary which were part of the learning curve for me).  He certainly had his hands full -- there aren't many 27-year-old virgins (yeah, I said it and put it out there) with dating experience that is virtually non-existent with the exception of one three week long "relationship."

It's been six months since the relationship ended (side note: I don't recommend ending a relationship the day before your birthday; it is singularly the best and absolutely the worst gift you can give yourself).  For those who believe that the dumper has it easier than the dumpee, I strongly beg to differ.  Or maybe it's just simply that I was in the dumper position and I know how much I'm still trying to work through things.  Why after six months am I still "processing"?  I am the champion at avoidance.  But the pain and hurt and sadness flare up annoyingly at unexpected times.  Oh, I know that I did the right thing.  I also know that I should have done it sooner.  No matter how much you believe that someone will get their shit together, you cannot will this into reality.  And you get tired of waiting.  Yes, most people's patience level is significantly shorter than six years, but like I said, I'm not a quitter.  I believe that people can do anything with support and love.  What I failed to acknowledge was that the other person has to want to do the hard work and be dedicated to making changes.  We human beings really don't like going out of our comfort zones.  We stay in impossibly unhealthy situations because it's familiar and predictable.  We settle for being less because it's easier.

I should have known better.  Oh hell, if I'm being honest, I did know better.  But I wanted to believe that we could have the happy love story and that we would make it despite the obstacles.  We were meant to be together.  We had first met at a time when we weren't ready for each other: he was in a committed relationship and I was going back to university two and a half hours away in less than a year.  We had an instant chemistry and an instant attraction.  While we never acted on it, we did flirt in a playful way (passing notes, which were not flirtatious, while on the phones at the call centre).  Of all the people who I could have trained, he was the one who sat next to me.  That was fate.

I don't take enough credit for success and I internalize failure entirely too much.  When I started counselling, I stated that I wanted to learn from my mistakes, which was met with a quizzical look and "What mistakes do you think you made?"  Surely I made several, seeing as how my relationship went head first into a muddy ditch.  It was D.O.A. when we stepped into the counsellor's office the first (and only) time.

I desperately do not want to make the same mistakes again.  I made too many compromises and sacrificed too much of myself.  Which has been my most difficult struggle: figuring out who I am now and getting back to that person.  Time does heal, and I've made some progress.  I have a along way to go though.

I hate that I lost myself so badly.  I never wanted to be that girl.  And it was so subtle that I had no idea, even though those around me could see it ever so clearly: the sparkle in my eyes dulled, my perky and upbeat nature chipped away by stress and frustration to the point where I was robotically going through the motions.  In the aftermath of the break-up, I realized what had happened: I had lost myself and felt like a mere shell of the person I used to be.  No wonder I rarely looked in the mirror anymore; I didn't recognize the person staring back and didn't particularly like her either.

These hips were made for shaking

As I sit here trying to type, I should be packing (the big move to mom & dad's is on Saturday) or doing dishes or something more productive.  I figure this is just as important, and seeing as how my next class is tomorrow and I still haven't written about last week's class, then I best get on it!

We had "homework" from last week to practice shoulder movements while sitting in a chair.  The purpose of this is that you can focus on the shoulders and not worry about what the hips are doing (because they won't be doing anything!  *smile*).  I tried this for maybe five minutes in the afternoon before class.  And I was sitting on the edge of my bed.  It wasn't successful, go figure.  So, I will make it a goal to practice more before next class (at the time of this writing, I still haven't practiced).  I should also practice the other moves that we've been taught, since that's the only way to improve.  I normally probably wouldn't have done this, but when I saw one of my classmates asking the instructor to review a few of the moves, I felt guilty that I hadn't practiced at all between classes.  Now I must step up my game.  :)

Week three was great.  I think I'm getting a little better with some of the moves.  What's really difficult though is when we have to move on raised feet (not en pointe a la ballet).  I don't have strong ankles and this can be uncomfortable for me at times.  There's also this one move that we learned where we travel to each side by sort of kicking out the lead foot and then coming together with both (this is a horrible explanation).  I cannot do this for the life of me.  I can do it when we turn out one foot on the floor and then bring both together, but throw in that little kick thing, and I become completely uncoordinated.  I've also been getting mixed up with which foot I'm supposed to lead with when moving forward (which I might add is a simple walking travel move).  It's the right, but I always want to start with the left, so my movement looks very ungraceful and it's easy to get tangled up.  Ack!!

The best part of class was putting movement to music, and although I didn't always do the moves the correct way, it was great being able to hear the beat and being able to sort of envision what to do.  It's fairly easy to predict when we get to shake the hips.  This is undoubtedly still my favourite part of class.  I am a hip shaker... (there is a song that has this in it, but I can't think of what it is).

We were told that the first few weeks is learning the basic moves and then we go on to putting together the routine.  I am looking forward to this!  We learned more fun hip movements this week such as figure 8's and a hip circle.  I am trying to see the gracefulness and sensuality in my movements, but still feel that it would look better if I had a thinner waist.  I use to have more of an hour-glass figure and I miss it (when they say you "fill out" with weight gain, they aren't joking).  This defeats the purpose of what belly dancing is about, I know.  Belly dancing is about embracing the inner sensuality and beauty a woman has regardless of size and expressing this through dance.  I get that, and I'm getting there, but, it's not wrong to want my curves back, is it? 

True friends are the ones who make asses out of themselves with you :)

There always has to be a little humility (or a whole lot) that goes along with trying something you've never tried before, especially something like belly dancing.  And, you MUST be able to laugh at yourself.  This is not a problem for me.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm a huge goofball.  It's one of my many charms.  :)

Well, week two of belly dancing found me with another friend tagging along, which made me soooo happy!  I've known Anne since high school, and while we weren't always super close, we are the only two out of our original group that still communicate.  Weird how life works.  It's great having Anne along for the ride.  I don't know if it was the addition of Anne to our group or if I had finally put the negativity past me... most likely a combination of everything... BUT, this week's class (when I say this week, I really mean week two which was November 10) was so much more enjoyable!  I'm still not great at it... still have difficulty isolating my shoulders (shoulder shimmies shall be the death of me!)... still get frustrated a little when I don't catch on.   However, in the face of these things, I am able to keep my sense of humour, which is a nice change.

I bought a new exercise outfit (the pants were too long... which caused me to slip on the floor a little bit at one point... the pants have since been shortened) and I also purchased a waist scarf (pink, natch!) with coins.  Can I just say how much fun it is to make noise with the coins?  I so enjoy the shimmy of the hips.  I could do that the whole class and be happy.  :)  

You might be wondering about my goals (and I'll be honest, I only remember the mirror goal right now, but I know there was a "larger" goal about enjoying myself... don't know the specifics of what I said).  Anyhoo, I did indeed work on goal #1.  That mirror can be mighty intimidating, but I'd say I kept my eyes on myself for 80% of the class.  Obviously I still had to watch the instructor.  So a HUGE improvement over last week.  I know that I will only get better if I watch what I'm doing so I know what needs to be corrected.  It's still hard to keep my eyes on myself because I don't always like what's reflected back at me.  While I mean it literally, it also applies figuratively. 

We got to see the routine that we're supposed to be learning.  If I pull it off, I'll be impressed.  We have five weeks left, which doesn't seem like enough time.  I know I won't be an expert by the time I leave, and I'll be disappointed if I don't manage the routine with at least some degree of competence, but, I think I'm beginning to accept that if the only thing I come out of this class with is an improved sense of self, that'll be better than I could have asked for.

Hips Don't Lie...

First of all, can I just say how absurdly difficult I find it to sit and write out my thoughts, even though it's just about belly dancing class?  I'm guessing the very public forum and the fact that I'm very out of practice when it comes to committing thought to paper (virtually/virally in this case) are to blame.  Case in point: Even listening to an online classical music radio station is not helping.  :/

I'd also like to say that I'm a little behind in getting up to speed on my first belly dancing class (it occurred on Wednesday).  What can I say?  It's been an emotional week, and I've had a lot of things on my mind.  But anyhoo, here I am!  

I'd like to say that my transformation began as soon as I walked in the door to the dance studio.  I wish that were the case.  One thing you need to know about me:  I am a perfectionist.  While this occasionally floods over into expectations of those around me, mainly it is focused on myself.  I am not usually a jump all in hands, head and feet first kind of person.  I am constantly thinking, thinking, thinking.  And this thinking occurs rapidly.  I don't make many decisions without putting a lot of thought into it, regardless of how reckless my decisions may seem to some because I don't talk about it.  But trust me, I HAVE thought about it.  Obviously, I am not just talking about taking belly dancing.  I digress... usually once I've made my mind up to do something, I stick with that decision.  I have found lately, however, that I have felt quite indecisive.  I make a decision to do something (even as simple as to go out to a movie) and then back track.  I'm usually much more reliable.  So with this in mind, it shouldn't surprise me that in my head, I was hesitant to go to that belly dancing class.  I also worry... Will I be able to keep up?  Will I be the biggest person there?  Will I look like shamu dancing?  What if the others are better than me?  Yeah, I said it... it's not that I have to be the best... I just strive for it.  That also doesn't mean I'm not a team player; I do want others to succeed.  Like I said, my perfectionist nature is mainly focused on me.

So, despite all of this stuff going on in my head, and also likely a big factor was that my mom was driving me (I do not have a vehicle and gratefully have a generous mother who is willing to chauffeur my arse around), I went to class.  I tentatively opened the door to the studio and immediately felt relief when I saw my friend Amy and also saw that there was only one other person in the class with us.  The studio looked very lovely, dimly lit and smelled of incense.  Very non-threatening.  It also helps that our instructor is not a stick-thin woman.  Also non-threatening.  I did not completely relax though because I was still in a bit of negative head space (based on the incident that occurred a couple of days before) and had all those concerns going on in my head.

I really had no idea what belly dancing is like when I said I'd take the class.  In my head I was thinking of the Bollywood routines that I've seen on So You Think You Can Dance, even though I know it's not the same.  But this was my frame of reference.  I usually do homework when approaching a new adventure, so I know what to expect.  I don't do spontaneous well.  I have so not been myself lately.  But I'm proud of myself for committing to doing something new and strange, and following through.  I took ballroom dancing lessons probably about six or seven years ago, and did enjoy myself while doing that.  I love dance.  I just don't do it very well.

I will not bore with play-by-play details of the entire class.  There are a few things I found noteworthy.  First off, as anyone who has taken dance knows, typically you face a mirrored wall.  I HATE watching myself in the mirror.  I'd say I spent probably 80% of the class watching the instructor and my neighbour instead of watching myself.  It is so incredibly uncomfortable for me to do this, so, goal #1 for week two is to force myself to concentrate on me.  The other important thing to note is how difficult the basic moves are for me.  Isolating hip and shoulder movements is not easy.  It was only week one: I'll give myself that... can't expect to get everything down in the first week.

I really don't know how I was feeling as I left that first lesson.  I find that I have so much going on in my head battling for priority that it delays my processing speed.  I do know this: I need to allow myself the joy of being in the moment, instead of moving on to other thoughts as soon as I walk out that studio door.  I am still getting positive feedback from people about my decision to take classes (funny though how that one negative response resounds so strongly despite the multitude of positive).  The nurse at my doctor's office had pointed advice: Enjoy this because you're doing it for you and forget what other people have to say.  I know she's not the first person to say this; it just brought the point home.  Which is goal #2: To leave the negativity at the door (including my own) and to enjoy what I'm doing.  In actuality, this really should be my goal in all aspects of my life.  Life I've said many times already, I'm working on it...

The Journey of a Thousand Miles....

Well... here I am... fully embracing the technology of the 21st century... although, honestly, if I only ever have one follower (me) then that doesn't bother me... I'm just doing this for myself.

So why am I engaging in this rather self-indulgent activity, you ask?  Why not just write in a journal the old fashioned way?  Valid questions.  The simple answer is that a) I spend so much time at my computer anyway that it's just easier to sit down and type, and b) I figured that if by some miracle I do get followers, then perhaps my thoughts might entertain and encourage others.  I once fancied myself a writer and had dreams of becoming an author (I was 12, okay?) so I'm hoping this will be a way to get in touch with that inner scribe.

Okay... so the real reason I had the notion to start writing a blog:  I've been going through a pretty difficult time over the past couple of months (the end of a six year relationship, my decision) and have started on a journey to finding myself (didn't even realize how utterly lost I was either).  I know that I will never truly be the same person I was before because we are constantly changing and evolving and are shaped by our life's experiences.  But, I want to get as close to that woman I was once upon a time.  Well, scratch that.  I want to be even better than the woman I used to be.  When I ended my relationship, people kept telling me to start doing things for me.  Enter my friend Amy, who asked if I wanted to take belly dancing lessons with her.  I said, "Sounds great!"  Let me interject here though, and say, I am not a small girl.  Whether it was because I fell into the comfort trap of a relationship or whether it was because I ate in response to stress, the end result is that I am at my heaviest weight EVER.  And I am 5'1 1/2 (yes, the 1/2 inch is important).  I've never been thin, but I have been at a healthier weight and more accepting of my body.  So, I have weight issues and all the emotional bits that go with it.  But back to the belly dancing.  The majority of people have been supportive and encouraging, telling me that this is an excellent way to not only get some exercise but also get in touch with myself as a woman and embrace who that person is.  Well, this sounds like exactly what I need!  I was pumped and ready to go! 

And then life does what it typically does, and threw a bit of a wrench in my excitement.  I mentioned that I was going to start taking these lessons, and someone close to me did not react so positively.  For a few minutes I thought that I had spontaneously grown a couple of extra heads or something, based on the look I got, which was also followed by the statement, "That'd be like me taking ballet classes."  Not good for the self-confidence.  This affected me so much that I started thinking that I didn't even want to take the class and that I'd simply look like Shamu attempting to dance.  Have I mentioned that I am struggling with serious negative self-talk?  I'm working on it.  Thank goodness for the amazing friends that I have who encouraged me to follow through and to basically say, "F*** you" to negativity. 

So this blog, for now, is about my experiences over the next six weeks while I take my belly dancing lessons.  I don't know what will happen at the end of it, but I'm hoping that it's just the first step in my journey to discovering myself.