Open Chistmas/Holiday Letter

Happy Holidays from Abby

As I sit here on this Christmas Eve morning, I can't help but reflect on the past year and am grateful that time moves forward, welcoming change and growth.  This time last year I was facing my first holiday season without a significant other in six years and still dealing with the aftermath of the end of that relationship, but was also looking forward to the positive changes that 2011 promised.  I thought I'd take a little time to share some of the (at times unexpected) lessons that I have learned over the past 12 months.

1) My arms are not six feet long.  What's that you say?  "Of course they're not Kat!"  This one seems like it would be common sense, but it is also something I seemed to have forgotten on that February morning as I attempted to reach for the bathroom door from the shower.  The end result: a trip to the ER at 8am on the morning after a snowstorm and five stitches in my right arm.  The other lesson learned: Let the cat meow... she can wait to get out of the bathroom.

2) Dory was a super smart fish. "When life gets you down, do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Just keep swimming." There is so much truth in this statement, and it really speaks to resiliency, which I've always believed is a strength of mine.  It is too easy to stay under the covers and hide from the world when your heart is broken, life has left you disappointed, and you have no idea what the future holds.  Trust me, I have had many moments where I've indulged in a pity-party for one, and while it is okay to do that every now and then because you have to acknowledge your emotions, it's not healthy to stay in that dark place.  Just keep swimming.  It's the only way that things get better.

3) Some days you gotta dance.  Yep, the Dixie Chicks were right about that one.  I love to dance, although I am not very skilled at it, and thankfully have rediscovered the joy I used to feel in simply moving my body to music.  It's a great way to get some exercise and release pent up frustration (some days I do still prefer cardio kickboxing though).  In all honesty, the Belly dance classes I've been taking since October 2010 have been the impetus for many lessons and most importantly, insight into myself.  I continue to learn and grow on a weekly basis.  I started taking Bollywood lessons as well, and was introduced to other forms of dance/exercise during the recent 12 days of fitness challenge at the studio.  I am thankful for all my teachers, which includes the instructors and fellow students.  I am encouraged to try new things, allowed to make mistakes, encouraged to laugh at myself, not expected to be perfect (since there really is no such thing as perfection), but most importantly, I am accepted for who I am.  That, perhaps, is the most precious gift I've received.

4) You may not be where you expected, but you're exactly where you're supposed to be/Life's a marathon, not a sprint.  This is one I'm still working on, but it's an important one.  If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said that at age 34 I would be married with children, and happy in my career.  If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said (and did say) that I was just going to stay single for the rest of my life.  Am I where I thought I would be?  Absolutely not.  But, I trust that whatever has happened, has happened for a reason and that there is no grand timeline that I must follow.  I have always done things at my own pace.  Although I do get frustrated sometimes, I know that what is meant to be, will be.  Enjoy life and all the treasures it offers.

5) Friends come in unexpected places.  I had no idea when I reconnected with a long-time friend (the lovely and wonderful Melissa Amster) and joined her facebook book club (Chick Lit Central, unabashed plug) that I would end up with at least a dozen new friends that I've never met face-to-face.  And while some people say that the general anonymity of the internet does not permit real connections between people, it was some of these new friends that were a tower of strength and support through some very difficult days this past summer.  Yes, I would have gotten through the experience without them, but their presence in my life and their words of compassion lifted my heart and made me feel comforted in a way that would not have happened without them.  That my friends, is a gift I can never repay.

6) Love and time heals.  The loss that I have experienced since June 2010 has been considerable to me.  I find it difficult even now to put these thoughts into words.  While some loss was by choice, and certainly was something that needed to happen, the loss of my furry babies Tigger Joe and Piper (as well as Tai, Loki, Belle and Peanut who did not pass but were still taken out of my life) was a heartbreak that felt unending at times.  We had the Tig monster for a wonderful 20 years and he lived a long, happy life (and to this day I have never seen another orange tabby with pure white at the end of the tail).  I know without a doubt that Piper came into my life because I needed her; she helped my broken heart heal and became the love of everyone's life.  Her unexpected passing in June 2011 was an experience that words just cannot express properly.  I miss her every day, but am grateful that she chose me and I know that one day we will meet again.  Although I did not know if I would be able to open up my heart again, fate intervened and brought little miss Abby into my life.  Her unconditional love and the smiles she brings to my face on a daily basis have once again helped to heal and lessened the hurt.  You just cannot help but love her and her rather ungraceful flops on the floor and demands for belly rubs, loud purring, constant chatter (she really tells you off if she's ticked), amazing jumps and acrobatics while playing, and of course, kitten kisses in the crook of your elbow (or on your hands and feet).  This will be Abby's first Christmas, and I think everyone is more excited about what fun she'll be having than anything else. 

So, from Abby and myself, we wish you all a holiday season filled with love, laughter and hope.  May 2012 be a year of dreams come true.  Much love!

10 Minute Writing Challenge

I take part in an online Daily Challenge, and the challenge for Sunday was to do something creative for 10 minutes.  Yes, I know that it was on Sunday and I'm a little late.  I've been busy working, but I'm taking the time now.

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, and writing a novel to be more specific.  I don't know if I have what it takes to write something that people would want to read, but it's worth trying.  I wrote a book when I was 12/13, but it's not something I could ever publish because I know that there is a book out there with a similar name and storyline (which, for the record, I found out AFTER I had written my story... I was not happy at all with this discovery, btw) and I also would have to do a complete overhaul as it has the New Kids On The Block as characters.

The obvious thing to draw inspiration from for a novel would be the past year since my break-up.  I know it's not a ground breaking idea for a story, but the old adage is to write what you know.  My life hasn't completely turned around and I'm not in a fantastic place, but the story doesn't have to be completely biographical.  In fact, probably better if it's not, because that way if I ever did try to get it published, it wouldn't be as devastating when it's ripped to shreds.  I'm not being pessimistic; I just know that first time authors go through A LOT of rejection.

I joined this other challenge today which starts on November 1st and requires you to attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  I don't even know if that will be possible based on my work schedule, but I figure it's worth a try, even just to get the creative juices flowing because I know a writer exists inside of me.  And the only way to get better is to practice.  I haven't sat and written a story in years, so I am really out of practice.  My brain is used to writing essays, but even that is a little rusty as I have been out of school for a few years.

My mom challenged me to write a mystery/romance.  That's not really where my brain is going at the moment, but I will keep the idea in mind and see if I can come up with something in the future.  I've been reading a lot of "chick lit" lately, and even that first novel I wrote would have fallen into that category, albeit for the pre-teen/teen age group.  I have 20 days or so to "get my ducks in a row" so to speak and work out what I want to write.  But, for now, my ten minutes is up.  :)

Mom

"I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine--she helps me grow, prosper, and reach new heights." - Terri Guillemets
I originally started writing out thoughts for this a couple of weeks ago after attending the funeral of a dear friend's mom.  Going through something like that really makes you think about your own mom.  And seeing as today is Mother's Day, I thought it was a fitting day to share.
For anyone who has met my mom, you know that she is an utterly fantastic person.  I don't know that she realizes just how great she is (or perhaps she is just incredibly modest and humble).  So, since the power of words is infinite, I'm choosing to honour my mom and let the world know how I feel.
My mom has been taking care of others since she was young.  At the age of 10 she took over the running of the house when her mom was too ill to do so.  She's been a caregiver ever since (although I suspect that she has always thought about others before herself).  While she could have been a great many things professionally, she chose nursing, the ultimate care-giver role.  And she was an amazing nurse (I say was because she is now happily retired; however, she will always be a nurse in my mind).  Any of the patients who were fortunate enough to be in her care were grateful to have my mom there, as were many of the families.  She brought sunshine with her to work and would regularly spontaneously break out into song and dance to make the residents smile.  Granted, she does this at home, and I am frequently her dance partner.  :)  My mom passed this "helping" gene on to me and I honestly believe that some of my very best characteristics come from my mom.
I think that she focuses on her imperfections too much, and I so wish that she could see herself through my eyes.  At the end of the day, I am grateful beyond words that I have my mom on my side.  She lets me make mistakes but does not hesitate to listen to me and hug me when things go wrong.  She has deep seated compassion and to this day still wishes she had a magic wand that would take the pain and hurt away (and sometimes I wish she did too).  As long as I know that my mom is supporting me, I have the strength to get through.
If my mom is proud of me, she should also be proud of herself for nurturing me and guiding me into the person I am.  She (and my dad) never forced me in any particular direction and has always allowed me to find my way to the person I am.  But, she also instilled in me a strong sense of right and wrong and I come by my stubbornness (or is that determination?  *smile*) honestly.  I always say that with German and Scottish ancestry, I had no hope of being anything but hard-headed.  :)
When I look at my mom, I see strength and courage.  I see a woman who is so incredibly beautiful on the inside that it shines through when she smiles.  I see a woman who has no idea how much she touches the lives of those around her and how much she makes everyone's life that much richer because she's in it.  I see a woman that I would be proud to be.

Quibbles and Conudrums

I saw the trailer for the last Harry Potter movie the other day and as I was sharing it on my Facebook profile, I added the comment "I will do my absolute very best to not get annoyed with changes they've made."  This is something that is difficult for me.  I guess you could say that I am a Harry Potter purist.  

Now, granted, I quite enjoyed the first three movies and felt that they were much truer to the books than future movies.  But, alas, they were also the three shortest books.  I have been disappointed by the last three movies (particularly Half-Blood Prince... I know the climax was the death of Dumbledore, but the movie seemed to be lacking action especially without the confrontation between the Order and the Death Eaters at Hogwarts that occurs in the book).  It was my hope that by dividing Deathly Hallows into two movies that they would be truer to the books.  

I realize that the movies would be entirely too long if everything were included, and I can appreciate that.  On the other hand, some of the other things that have been altered surprise me when I consider that J.K. Rowling has creative input in all the movies.  Like for instance, the fact that it was Cho who was the snitch instead of her friend Marietta (re: the D.A. in  Order of the Phoenix).  This didn't make sense to me since it was her friend who wasn't sure about joining the D.A. in the first place.  I also think it would have been nice to have kept the enchanted Galleons in the storyline (how Hermione came up with the idea is brilliant and also shows the level of skill she has to complete the charm). 


A lot of things that were changed annoy me because I would have liked to see them.  Such as the fact that while Malfoy was in the Room of Requirement trying to fix the vanishing cabinet, Crabb and Goyle were patrolling outside but had taken polyjuice potion.  Which brings me to another thing that irked me: I don't understand how the Order was supposed to know about the vanishing cabinet that Malfoy had purchased in Borgin and Burkes... this was part of the mystery in the book; we didn't know what the heck Malfoy was doing!  And at the very least, Hermione would have pieced together that the vanishing cabinet had a partner in the school (I believe it was Goyle who got shoved/lost in it).  

With regards to the Deathly Hallows, pt. 1: I don't think it was necessary to have a naked Hermione & Harry making out when Ron is facing Voldemort/Tom Riddle from the locket.  What they were saying was enough of a reflection of the concerns and doubts that Ron has.  As well, I wish they had left in the part about the secret radio station (just because I think it added a little "whimsy").  I may be mistaken that this was left out, but I wish they had also kept where Ron tells Hermione and Harry that the name Voldemort is taboo and that is how they were found right after the wedding.  I know these are little details, but they stand out enough that I noticed them.  Much like how the Death Eater knew it was Harry at the beginning because of the spell he performed (I can understand that having it be Stan was not necessary).  Oh... yes... the beginning... that ridiculous chase between the Death Eaters and Hagrid/Harry on the freeway.  The chase is thrilling enough without adding the illogical aspect of it occurring right in front of muggles; I do not believe that witches and wizards would want to be discovered even at this point.  Perhaps this was put in to appeal to the male population watching, but I don't think it was necessary.  I was also bothered that Harry and Hermione did not take polyjuice potion when visiting Godric's Hollow and think it would have been a nice to have kept the memorial to the Potter's.  Lastly, with regards to this movie, I believe the ending was off in terms of timing.  Again, I may be mistaken, but I remember Voldemort retrieving the wand much closer to the time of the final confrontation.  I understand the filmmaker's need for a climax, but I think that if they had cut off the movie when they are captured in the forest, that would have been a good ending.


Okay... so... my biggest bug-a-boo about something that WASN'T in the movie(s): The plot line with Petunia and Harry.  I thought it was important to understand why Harry had to return to Privet Drive every summer and that Petunia had made a promise to help protect Harry.  I also wish they had kept in the goodbye scenes between Petunia/Harry/Dudley.  In terms of the protection of the house, it also didn't make sense that the Dursley's left before Harry did, because that would have broken the protection... the whole point in the book is that Harry's departure coincided with the Dursley's.  


And my biggest quibble about something that WAS in the movie(s) but not the book(s): Hermione's obvious affection for Ron.  Yes, the readers knew that these two liked each other.  But with the not-so-subtle hints starting in Prisoner of Azkaban when Hermione puts her head on Ron's shoulder when Buckbeak is executed, I didn't like this plot line.  Part of the charm of these characters is that they so obviously like each other but are both unaware or unwilling to admit it.  


After all this griping, you probably think that I don't like the movies.  This is not true.  I love the movies and the books.  I love the world of Harry Potter that Rowling has created for her readers.  From the first time I read Philosopher's Stone (I am still not sure why the title was changed to Sorcerer's Stone in the U.S.), I saw a parallel between Voldemort and Hitler.  I suppose Voldemort could be the epitome of all evil in its various forms.  I marvel at Rowling's mind and cannot fathom how she invented some of the things she did (the idea of Horcruxes for instance).  Harry Potter has been criticized because of its magic content and labelled as a promoter of witchcraft.  To the nay-sayers, I say this: READ IT before you judge it! The books are fundamentally about good vs. evil.  But they're also about the power of love and friendship.  I will be sad when the last movie is released because it will be the end of an era, but I look forward to future generations being introduced to this absolutely magical world. 

In this class you always get a Do-over...

I have lots of people asking me about my belly dancing and wondering if I am going to blog about it again.   So here goes.  After completing the 6 week beginner course, Anne and I decided that we weren't ready to move on to the next level, so we signed up for the full 10 week beginner course.

It's amazing how different people change the dynamics of a group.  Our new classmates created such a fun and light-hearted atmosphere in class that was so refreshing. It made every week enjoyable and when one girl wasn't there, it was noticeable and she was missed.  I felt less serious and more relaxed during this ten weeks.  I was still focused on doing my very best and learning the moves so I look graceful and beautiful.

Our instructor has a rule: You always get a do-over.  Anne and I started our do-over of beginner level I at the start  of the new year.  I was determined to make 2011 about a million times better than 2010 (which wouldn't take much, honestly, considering the absolute $#!* year it was).  I slowly gained confidence over that period of 10 weeks and began to feel comfortable in my skin.  The moves aren't perfect but I am committed to being a continuous work in progress.

We continued to improve and felt comfortable enough to move onto beginner level II.  We started the new class at the beginning of April. I am enjoying myself a great deal and continue to try to get the moves right.  I know that it's not about perfection; it's about having fun and learning to love your body as it is. So, I have the first part pretty much down but still struggle with that dratted acceptance of self.  As hard as I try, I know that I won't feel at peace with my body until I've lost weight and feel healthier.  I don't hate my body, but I'm not happy with it either.  I don't feel sexy or attractive while dancing.  I know that how I feel is reflected on the outside and that confidence is one of the most attractive features a person can possess.  I wish I could say that belly dancing has given me back my confidence and that I am fully accepting of me as I am. But this is far from the truth.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am a work in progress and I'll get there eventually.  I tend to do everything the hard way which inevitably also means I take the scenic route to any destination.  I have a great deal of respect for women who are able to love their bodies at heavier weights; I wish I knew their secret. I suppose there are people who would say that I need to embrace who I am the way that I am. Except that it's not that easy, at least for me. I also suppose if you told me that I would stay the way I am forever that I would find a way to accept and love the shell. But the fact is that I can get in shape and be healthy. And it is also a fact that I expect myself  to be the very best I can be (aka perfectionism... Wait... Is that a word?).  Don't get me wrong, I like that I have curves and I never want to get rid of them. I just want to feel curvier and less... "thick." Ugh... I feel like I'm pointlessly rambling...

So here's the skinny (hardy-har-har): I love belly dancing for the social aspect and learning something new. While I don't go out to clubs, I do enjoy dancing around the house and working in some belly dance (my favourites being the hip rotation and figure eights). I have gained some confidence but I know that one class isn't going to be life altering to the extent where I walk away a completely new person. I do believe that it's a step in my journey.

As a side note, we are learning how to use veil in our dancing.  It's so beautiful having  fabric float and dance with you. And if we get caught or struggle, there's always the do-over.  :-)

Thoughts... Part 1

He was supposed to be my forever love, my happily ever after, the Noah to my Allie.  It was supposed to be a great love story of the ages that would go on through several future generations of our family.  It was supposed to be all these wonderful things.  How could it not be?  After all, if it wasn't meant to be, why would we have been brought together again six years later after first meeting (at a time when we couldn't be together)?  Although this sounds like the stuff of chick flicks and romance novels, all unrealistic and dreamer-like, I do know that a lot of hard work goes into creating successful relationships.  I'm not a quitter, running away at the first sign of trouble (despite early examples to the contrary which were part of the learning curve for me).  He certainly had his hands full -- there aren't many 27-year-old virgins (yeah, I said it and put it out there) with dating experience that is virtually non-existent with the exception of one three week long "relationship."

It's been six months since the relationship ended (side note: I don't recommend ending a relationship the day before your birthday; it is singularly the best and absolutely the worst gift you can give yourself).  For those who believe that the dumper has it easier than the dumpee, I strongly beg to differ.  Or maybe it's just simply that I was in the dumper position and I know how much I'm still trying to work through things.  Why after six months am I still "processing"?  I am the champion at avoidance.  But the pain and hurt and sadness flare up annoyingly at unexpected times.  Oh, I know that I did the right thing.  I also know that I should have done it sooner.  No matter how much you believe that someone will get their shit together, you cannot will this into reality.  And you get tired of waiting.  Yes, most people's patience level is significantly shorter than six years, but like I said, I'm not a quitter.  I believe that people can do anything with support and love.  What I failed to acknowledge was that the other person has to want to do the hard work and be dedicated to making changes.  We human beings really don't like going out of our comfort zones.  We stay in impossibly unhealthy situations because it's familiar and predictable.  We settle for being less because it's easier.

I should have known better.  Oh hell, if I'm being honest, I did know better.  But I wanted to believe that we could have the happy love story and that we would make it despite the obstacles.  We were meant to be together.  We had first met at a time when we weren't ready for each other: he was in a committed relationship and I was going back to university two and a half hours away in less than a year.  We had an instant chemistry and an instant attraction.  While we never acted on it, we did flirt in a playful way (passing notes, which were not flirtatious, while on the phones at the call centre).  Of all the people who I could have trained, he was the one who sat next to me.  That was fate.

I don't take enough credit for success and I internalize failure entirely too much.  When I started counselling, I stated that I wanted to learn from my mistakes, which was met with a quizzical look and "What mistakes do you think you made?"  Surely I made several, seeing as how my relationship went head first into a muddy ditch.  It was D.O.A. when we stepped into the counsellor's office the first (and only) time.

I desperately do not want to make the same mistakes again.  I made too many compromises and sacrificed too much of myself.  Which has been my most difficult struggle: figuring out who I am now and getting back to that person.  Time does heal, and I've made some progress.  I have a along way to go though.

I hate that I lost myself so badly.  I never wanted to be that girl.  And it was so subtle that I had no idea, even though those around me could see it ever so clearly: the sparkle in my eyes dulled, my perky and upbeat nature chipped away by stress and frustration to the point where I was robotically going through the motions.  In the aftermath of the break-up, I realized what had happened: I had lost myself and felt like a mere shell of the person I used to be.  No wonder I rarely looked in the mirror anymore; I didn't recognize the person staring back and didn't particularly like her either.

These hips were made for shaking

As I sit here trying to type, I should be packing (the big move to mom & dad's is on Saturday) or doing dishes or something more productive.  I figure this is just as important, and seeing as how my next class is tomorrow and I still haven't written about last week's class, then I best get on it!

We had "homework" from last week to practice shoulder movements while sitting in a chair.  The purpose of this is that you can focus on the shoulders and not worry about what the hips are doing (because they won't be doing anything!  *smile*).  I tried this for maybe five minutes in the afternoon before class.  And I was sitting on the edge of my bed.  It wasn't successful, go figure.  So, I will make it a goal to practice more before next class (at the time of this writing, I still haven't practiced).  I should also practice the other moves that we've been taught, since that's the only way to improve.  I normally probably wouldn't have done this, but when I saw one of my classmates asking the instructor to review a few of the moves, I felt guilty that I hadn't practiced at all between classes.  Now I must step up my game.  :)

Week three was great.  I think I'm getting a little better with some of the moves.  What's really difficult though is when we have to move on raised feet (not en pointe a la ballet).  I don't have strong ankles and this can be uncomfortable for me at times.  There's also this one move that we learned where we travel to each side by sort of kicking out the lead foot and then coming together with both (this is a horrible explanation).  I cannot do this for the life of me.  I can do it when we turn out one foot on the floor and then bring both together, but throw in that little kick thing, and I become completely uncoordinated.  I've also been getting mixed up with which foot I'm supposed to lead with when moving forward (which I might add is a simple walking travel move).  It's the right, but I always want to start with the left, so my movement looks very ungraceful and it's easy to get tangled up.  Ack!!

The best part of class was putting movement to music, and although I didn't always do the moves the correct way, it was great being able to hear the beat and being able to sort of envision what to do.  It's fairly easy to predict when we get to shake the hips.  This is undoubtedly still my favourite part of class.  I am a hip shaker... (there is a song that has this in it, but I can't think of what it is).

We were told that the first few weeks is learning the basic moves and then we go on to putting together the routine.  I am looking forward to this!  We learned more fun hip movements this week such as figure 8's and a hip circle.  I am trying to see the gracefulness and sensuality in my movements, but still feel that it would look better if I had a thinner waist.  I use to have more of an hour-glass figure and I miss it (when they say you "fill out" with weight gain, they aren't joking).  This defeats the purpose of what belly dancing is about, I know.  Belly dancing is about embracing the inner sensuality and beauty a woman has regardless of size and expressing this through dance.  I get that, and I'm getting there, but, it's not wrong to want my curves back, is it?